Best Jokes

My wife has been stressing the importance of punctuality to me recently. I made a point of picking her up early at the bridge club for the first time today.

You should have seen the shocked looks of the faces of the ladies when they found out I’m alive. Apparently my wife has been referring to me as her late husband.

How do you reference a bear with no socks?

BARE-FOOT!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.

It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.

After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."

Why did the tree think the dog was talking to it?

It kept hearing, "Bark, Bark, Bark!"