Best Jokes

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

My Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Wife just broke up with me over my chronic gambling addiction...

... But it's okay, I'll win her back.

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

A father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents’ Day, and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab.

“What are you working on, son?"

“A universal solvent,” explained his son. “A solvent that’ll dissolve anything."

His father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, “What will you keep it in?”