Best Jokes

A small boy turned to his Aunt Mildred and said, "Wow, you're not pretty!"

His mother overheard the remark and was appalled. She took him aside and gave him a real telling-off before ordering him to go back out to say sorry to Aunt Mildred.

Suitably chastened, the boy went over and said quietly, "Aunt Mildred, I'm sorry you're not pretty."

A kid asked his mother, “Mom, can you buy me those two toys that we had seen at the store the other day?”

His mother replied, “I will buy you one of them. One is enough to keep you busy at playtime.”

Later that day, the kid started doing his homework. The mother said, “Remember that you have two activities as homework today.”

The kid replied, “I will do one of them. One is enough to keep me busy at study time.”

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.

At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail."

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"