Best Jokes

A disheveled man was standing on a busy city corner. With open palms toward the sky he yells out give me a sign, I just need a sign.

The manager of a pizza restaurant walks out and hands the man a sign. He says just wave it at the passing cars!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm not a catholic."

The nun says, "That's OK My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party."

This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst.

After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, "I have good news news and I have bad news - which would you like first?"

The man nervously responds, "Give me the bad news first." The doc says, "I had to take both your feet"

"Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?" says the man.

"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!"

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief got tangle up and began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"