An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions."
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"