My uncle was crushed by a piano....
His funeral was very low key
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
“I am a turtle,” he says.
“Who’s on your back?”
Father: Now Little Johnny, be good while I’m away.
Little Johnny: Okay dad, I’ll be good for a dollar.
Father: Why son, when I was your age I was good for nothing!
Me to the postman: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.
Postman: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?
Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me..