A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.
"What is that?"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
The pastor of a local church was visited by a man evidently worse for liquor, and a young lady.
She said to the minister, "Please, sir, we've come to be married."
"I can't marry you with this man in this condition," said the clergyman. "Besides haven't you been here twice before, and haven't I told you the same thing?"
Yes, sir, you have," replied the lady. "But when he isn't drunk, I can't get him to come with me, sir."
The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Cunningham insurance on her husband's life. In fact he thought it was too easy.
When all the details were finalized Mrs. Cunningham casually asked, "Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?"
"That would depend entirely," the insurance man replied, "on how the evidence is presented to the jury."