A New York businessman buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, throws it away.
Next day, he does the same thing. This goes on for days.
Eventually, the newspaper guy asks, "Why do you do keep doing that?"
"Oh, I'm just checking for an obituary"
"But obituaries aren't even on the front page!"
"Oh, the one I'm looking for will be."
A mother and son where out for lunch at a diner.
The waitress says, "Cops and kids under 5 eat for free!"
Mother discreetly nudges her 6 year old.
The son says, "I'm a police."
Young Office Worker, to older boss: "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir."
Older Boss: "What do you mean you think?"
Young Office Worker: "Well, when I answered the phone, a voice said, 'Is that you, you old fool?'"