A woman walked past a pet store and looked in and saw a parrot. The parrot said, “Hey lady, you sure are ugly.”
The lady was so upset that she ran inside and told the owner, “If your parrot says that about me again I will tell everyone I know that you are training your parrots to say mean things.”
The owner replied, “I promise you ma'am, my bird will never say those words to you again.”
The next day the lady came into the pet store and the parrot looked at the lady and said, “Hey lady, you know!”
Ken and Jim were fortunate in that they each had a season ticket to watch The Kansas City Royals. However, they had a friend Ed who would give his right arm for a season ticket. They could not help noticing that there was always an empty seat next to theirs.
One day, during a rain delay, Ken and Jim went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for their friend. The man at the window said, "Sorry men, that seat has already been sold."
Nevertheless, game after game, it was still empty. Then on Labor day, much to Ken and Jim's amazement, for the first time that season, the seat was full. Jim could not resist asking the newcomer, "Where have you been all season?"
"Don't ask," he said. "The wife bought this season ticket back in March, and gave it to me yesterday for a surprise Birthday present."
Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."