A man went to his doctor complaining about terrible neck pains, throbbing headaches and dizzy spells. The doctor examined him and said, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You have only six months to live.”
The doomed man decided he would spend his remaining time on earth enjoying himself. He told his boss what he thought of him and quit his job. Then he took all his money out of the bank and bought a sports coat, 10 new suits, and 15 pairs of new shoes.
Then he went to get himself a dozen tailored shirts. He went to the finest shirt shop he could find. The tailor measured and wrote down 16 neck.
“Wait a moment,” the man interrupted. “I always wear a size 14 neck, and that’s what I want.”
“I’ll be glad to do it for you, sir,” the tailor replied. However, if you wear a size 14 neck your going to get terrible neck pains, throbbing headaches and dizzy spells.”
In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains.
Assistant: "Are you positive, sir?"
Weatherman: "Yes indeed. I've lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I'm going golfing, and my wife's giving a lawn party."
A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So, they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.
"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."