Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well, neither would he.
Wife: Honey, I saved $1 off on a loaf of bread!
Husband: That’s fantastic! How did you do that?
Wife: Well, I bought a 10lbs bag of birdseed.
Husband: But we don’t have any birds.
Wife: Yes I know but the birdseed came with 50 cents off dog food coupon that I used to buy dog food.
Husband (frustratedly): WE DON’T HAVE ANY DOGS EITHER!!!
Wife: I KNOW! But the dog food came with $1 off bread coupon!
I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."
“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.