"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.
"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."
"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.
"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."
A man was determined to win the state lotto. He bought lotto tickets every week for years with no results. Then, one day in a flash of inspiration he realized that he would have to change his name in order to win the lotto. The next day he when to the courthouse and officially changed his name to 'Somebody'.
Out of curiosity the clerk who was doing the paperwork asked why he had chosen 'Somebody' as his new name.
"Well," he replied, "I wasn't having any luck with my old name, but everyone knows that eventually, Somebody always wins the lotto!"
Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team."
The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough."
The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."