WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"
HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Lets just eat at home."
Judge: "Why did you steal from the same shop twice?"
Thief: "Because the shop had a board that said, 'Thank you, come again!'"
I placed an order for fries at my local fast food establishment.
Then, before completing the order, the counter person asked, "Would you like fries with that order?"
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses PAWS.