elderly jokes

It was a typical noisy dinner at my parents’s home, and Dad was having trouble following the conversations. He kept jumping in with off-topic comments and asking for things to be repeated.

I finally told him he needed to get a hearing aid.

Looking at me as if I was crazy, he said, “What would I do with a hand grenade?”

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I had to wake him up. I thought he was dead!"

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Richard, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Richard, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Richard again, "Richard, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says Richard, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Richard, "Richard listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Richard says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"