In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out record albums, too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
I bought an alarm clock yesterday but I took it back today and asked for a refund, I said to the assistant, "It's not working properly, I set the alarm for 7:30am but it went off at 4:30am."
"I'd like to give you a refund sir, but it's smashed into pieces. How do you explain the damage?" he asked.
I said, "I just told you, it's not working properly and it went off at 4:30am."
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on Main Street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down Main Street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter.
The lid pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"