Best Jokes

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

A long winded attorney was arguing a technical case before one of the judges of the superior courts. The attorney had rambled on in such a desultory way that it became very difficult to follow his line of thought, and the judge had just yawned very suggestively.

With a trace of sarcasm in his voice, the tiresome attorney ventured to observe: "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing on the time of this court."

"My friend," returned his honor, "there is considerable difference between trespassing on time and encroaching upon eternity."

One Saturday Little Johnny went fishing at a pond that was close to his house. After a couple hours of fishing the owner of the pond approached and indicated to Little Johnny that there was a "No Fishing" sign.

Little Johnny replied, "Well the fellow that printed that sign knew what he was talking about."

Overheard at the race track...

Bettor: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to 1 and I can’t lose.

Friend: “What do you mean 'you can’t lose’?”

Bettor: “I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to 1 and the race doesn’t start till 1.”