Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $1500 left."
When our son Jimmy went to Navy boot camp, we waited impatiently for word from him.
Finally we received a post card telling us he was doing well and we shouldn't worry. It went on to say that he was being kept busy acclimating to a military lifestyle and that he would send a detailed letter in a couple of weeks.
After reading his card a second time, however, we noticed that Jimmy had faintly underlined letters throughout the note.
When the letters were combined, his hidden message read, "Help me!"
Jack: "I'm taking a weight lifting class. Every week the postal carrier brings me a new set of weights."
Bob: "Gee, you don't look like you've gained any muscle."
Jack: "No, but you ought to see the postal carrier!"
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.