Best Jokes

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

What do you call a tree who can't finish a puzzle?

Stumped.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!

Me: "Say please...."

Toddler: ".........."

Me: "Say thank you..."

Toddler: ".............."

Me: (spilling milk) "Ah, crap!"

Toddler: "Ah, crap!"