Best Jokes

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, it's a waste of money," demands the wife. And so he does and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "Well so does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price."

Two friends are talking and one says to the other, “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about."

His friend asks, “What do you mean?”

A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

How do you compliment...

The Abominable Snowman?
Tell him he’s cool.

A secretary?
Tell her she’s really neat.

A boxer?
Tell him he’s a knock-out.

A surfer?
Tell her she’s swell.

A mail carrier?
Tell him he’s first class.

A demolition crew?
Tell them they did a bang-up job.

A witch?
Tell her she’s charming.

An astronaut?
Tell her she’s out of this world.

A right fielder?
Tell him he’s far-out.

Frankenstein?
Tell him he looks like a new man.