Best Jokes

So I'm heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she's like...

"Young man, speeding? I've been waiting for you all day."

I look up to her and I say, "I'm so sorry I'm late officer, I got here as fast as I could..."

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

So I'm sitting in a bar across from two very large women and I say, "Cool accents are you two from Scotland?"

One yells back, "IT's WALES YOU IDIOT!"

I say, "Ok so you are two whales from Scotland?"

I don't remember much after that

How do you make a tissue dance?

A: You put a little boogie in it!