Best Jokes

​A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”

"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended the services all my life and always gave as much charity as I could."

"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Oy. How about this, I started a soup kitchen in my city and volunteered at the senior’s home."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries. "The way you guys grade, there’s no way my Selma got in here.”

“Selma who?” asks the angel.

“My wife, Selma Rothenstein. You know, Selma and I were married for 60 years and I never raised my voice at her, not even once."

“Oh, thaaat Selma,” the angel nods. “You put up with her for 60 years?! Come right in!”

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He took a breath and then continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

A young woman, who isn't too bright, goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

She counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Umm... 23".

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The girl bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Barbara".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh that!" replies the girl, "I was just running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"