Best Jokes

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cell Phone - The handyman's 911.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes--both going well over 120 mph--blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

Tom & Jane just got married and moved into an apartment in New York City filling it with all of the precious items they received as wedding gifts. One day, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line written on the envelope: "Guess who sent them."

Jacob and Mindy assumed that it was a belated wedding present and while they enjoyed the show immensely, they spent the whole evening trying to figure out who the tickets were from.

On their return home from the show, Jacob and Mindy were met with a disastrous sight: their apartment had been stripped of every one of their wedding presents, every article of value in the apartment. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written a note on an envelope: "Now you know!"