Best Jokes

How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?

By the skin of their teeth.

'Old' is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Two skeletons were discussing their girlfriends.

"I think Bonnie is cheating on me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know. I just feel it in my bones."

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."