Best Jokes

At a company party, the staff decided to have a little fun with their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the restroom, he left his wallet behind. They searched through it and found his lotto ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, 'cos I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving!"

Definition of Family Planning:

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

I have a pet who is a continual source of personal annoyance and irritation. Truth be told, he really bothers the heck out of me.

I named my pet, "Peeve."

A policeman is passing through a supermarket parking lot when he sees a car turn into a 'Handicap Parking' space with no sticker.

He pulls over as the gentlemen is getting out of his parked car.

"Ahem," He clears his throat to the man, "Sir, this is a HANDICAP spot, you know."

The man looks at him quizzically, then back to the space, then back to the officer. "Ok," he answers.

The police officer crosses his arms. "Well, what's you're handicap bub?"

He pauses to think for a minute. "Well, I can't read sir, does that count?"