Best Jokes

A senior couple pulls up to a rest stop to get something to eat.

Waiter: "How may I help you?"

Elderly Man: "Two hamburgers, please."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked what we wanted and I told him 'Two hamburgers'!"

Waiter: "So, where are you heading?"

Elderly Man: "To Chicago to see our grandchildren."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the grandkids!"

Waiter: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."

Elderly Man: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He said it's good weather!"

Waiter: "Where are you coming from?"

Elderly Man: "We started our trip from Pittsburgh."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh!"

Waiter: "I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and couldn't cook if her life depended on it."

Elderly Lady: "What did he say?"

Elderly Man [yelling]: "He says he knows you!"

Jim: My older brother Dave crashed his car into a tree going forty miles an hour.

Troy: Wow! I didn't know trees could move that fast!

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cell Phone - The handyman's 911.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.