Best Jokes

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

I will not sleep...

... not until I find a cure for my insomnia.

How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?

By the skin of their teeth.

'Old' is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...a pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!