Best Jokes

They say "Love is Blind" ....

But marriage, now THAT's a real eye opener!

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

John and I were putting a roof on a barn we were building. We hauled up all the shingles and roofing nails before we began working on the roof. As John brought up the last of the supplies he slipped and accidentally kicked over the ladder. I told him not to worry as someone would surely come by before the day was done.

We worked all day on the roof and finished it just before sundown. I told John that since no one had come by to pick up the ladder for us we were going to have to jump down. John said we could jump into the pigpen and the mud would break our fall. Looking down at the mud I asked John how far we would sink into the mud. John said it would come up to about our ankles.

With that I jumped and sank into the mud up to my neck. "Hey!" I yelled at John. "I thought you said it would only come up to my ankles?"

John replied, "So who told you to jump feet first?"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."