A friend of mine was telling me that his girlfriend asked him if he would like to spend the weekend watching football games, eating chicken wings, and drinking beer.
This excited my friend because he thought he had found the perfect mate, so he responded with a "YES!" with great enthusiasm.
The girlfriend responded, "Perfect, because I am breaking up with you."
What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
"About 3,000 miles!"
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
Principal: "Johnny, no running in school. Now, just why are you in such a hurry?"
Little Johnny (out of breath): "Sir, I'm trying to keep two fellows from fighting!"
Principal: "Who are those fellows?"
Little Johnny: "Billy Jones and myself!"