Best Jokes

A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant."

"Oh?" the judge asked.

"Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character."

The man protested, "How can you say that?"

"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

I was wanting to fly my 82 year old mother, who has never flown to Chicago, for a visit.

"No way am I getting on an air plane," was mother's response.

I replied, "Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

Mother said, "I know, I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."