Best Jokes

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner.

The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. “It comes equipped with all the newest features,” he assured them.

The husband was not convinced. “Don’t you have a riding one?” he asked.

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.

A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand.

"Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

I went to the doctor the other day and complained about my sore feet.

He said: “Gout!”

I said: “But I’ve only just walked in!”

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”

I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”