A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while.
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy... just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "Works for ketchup!"
Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.
"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you've ever experienced. You'll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities -- pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man."
At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. "If it wasn't for you and that stupid oat bran, we'd have been here ten years ago!"