family jokes

My son crawled for the first time while I was away on business. I also missed his first steps. I was now afraid I would miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet.

The answer was always "no" until one day my wife said, "Harry has something to say to you.... 'Daddy, daddy,'"

I heard it over the phone and I glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said, "You should come home as soon as possible."

"Why?" I asked.

"He was speaking to the dog."

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

When I was young, a bully was trying to pick a fight with me.

He said, "My dad can whoop your dad!"

I replied, "So what, so can my mom!"

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," we requested, "and could we please have Michelle?"

"Michelle?" asked the hostess.

"Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"