I have instructed my children and wife where to go in case of a tornado...
The TRASH CAN, as in my home nothing ever hits it.
Mother and daughter are having a bonding moment.
Daughter: Mommy can you differentiate the words terrible and horrible for me?
Mother: Sure dear. Remember when we went to the beach last week?
Daughter: Yes I remember.
Mother: While swimming, your dad was caught by rip current.
Daughter: Oh, that's terrible!
Mother: That's right.
Daughter: Mommy, what about horrible?
Mother: The wave brought him back to shore.
My family wants me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes...
But I can't quit cold turkey!
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?"