marriage jokes

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit PERFECTLY around his neck."

Dear Customer Service,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

My wife just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.