Two guys are driving in the countryside. One says, "Tiger Wood... isn't he famous or something?"
"Yeah, I think he plays golf or something."
"Does he have a brother named Fire who's in jail?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"I just saw a sign that said 'FREE FIRE WOOD!'"
At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
Jake: If you were in a line at a ticket window, and the man in front of you was going to Chicago and the money lady behind you was going to Atlanta, where would you be going?
Fran: I don’t know.
Jake: If you don’t know where you are going, why are you in line?