Best Jokes

My three-year-old son, Jack, was as excited as he could be to visit his grandma and grandpa in Florida, especially since it meant taking his first trip on an airplane.

We'd just boarded and got buckled in when Jack looked around the plane and frowned. "What is it?" I asked, wondering if he was nervous.

He then asked me, a bit worried, "Are ALL these people going to Grandma's house too?"

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here anymore."

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!!

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"