Best Jokes

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here anymore."

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!!

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"

What ten-letter word starts with G-A-S?

Automobile!