Best Jokes

Two friends are in the living room. The wife of one of them is in the kitchen. "Sweetheart, please, can you hand us the bottle of whisky?" he says. And then, again, "Sweetheart, and two glasses please?"

The other man stares at him and says, "My gosh, how long have you been married?"

"Thirty years."

"Oh wow, and you still call her sweetheart?"

And the first whispers, "Well, I forgot what her name is!"

An undertaker can be one of your best friends...

He'll be the last one to let you down.

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."