Magic is awesome.
Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes men disappear?
The pregnancy stick.
Six-year-old Ned's mother was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out.
Ned said, "That must be Adam's."
A snake goes to the optometrist one day. "I've been having a bit of trouble with my eyesight lately," he says. "And it's been making it very difficult for me to chase and catch rats."
The optometrist then gives him an eye test and prescribes a pair of glasses; the snake then thanks the optometrist and leaves. A few months later, the snake comes back for a check up and the optometrist asks him how his new glasses have been.
"Oh, wonderful!" the snake replies happily. "I can see better than ever now and my rat catching prowess has more than doubled! However... now I'm depressed."
"Depressed?" the optometrist asks, perplexed. "Why?"
"Well, since I got them, I found out that I'd been in love with a garden hose all this time."
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’...
And then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.