Best Jokes

“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he couldn't talk because he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment."

I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was "washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife's supervision."

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.

Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"