Best Jokes

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.

He didn't have to listen as she compared him to previous boyfriends and she didn't have to hear what a good cook his mother was.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Once upon a time, there was a man who went to the zoo. He stopped by the gorilla cage. There is a big sign there that says "Do NOT touch the gorilla!" Somehow the man accidentally touched the gorilla.

A few minutes later he goes into his car and drives home. While he drives on the freeway he sees in his rear view mirror the gorilla driving a few feet away from home.

Being scared the man goes to an airport flying from New York to Los Angeles. He looks back on the airplane and there is the same gorilla there.

After he gets off at Los Angeles the guy tries to swim to China. After quite some time he looks back and sure enough the gorilla is also swimming to China.

When he finally reaches China, the man who is out of breath by now. Sitting down he rests for awhile. By now the gorilla is only a few feet away from him.

The guy says to him, "What do you want from me? Why do you keep chasing me?"

The gorilla taps him on the shoulder and says to the man, "Tag! You're it!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.

Thus proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.