I recently had a stroke and while laying in the hospital bed the phone rang, it was the PGA. This very proper voice said, "Is this Mr Petty?" I mumbled a "Yes." The voice continues, "I have to tell you sir, YOUR HANDICAP HAS JUST GONE UP BY ONE STROKE!"
Q: What goes Maaaahh?
A: A scared cow
My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives...
I told her that is not true. I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than the nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny answers, "Well if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"