Best Jokes

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of beer."

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes?"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!"

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"?

"I am 78," the man said.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

Why do artists never win when they play football?

They keep drawing!

I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company; I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't put things away because...
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

I don't stress much on anything because...
"Type A" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become an ol' woman!