Best Jokes

Grandpa: I can't find the send button on my cell phone.
Granddaughter: I see the problem grandpa, you're using a calculator.

Grandpa: It's always a calculated risk doing things without my reading glasses.
Granddaughter: No wonder things didn't add up.
Grandpa: Very "Punny" young lady, you're as bad as I am!

Granddaughter: And exactly how did you arrive at that equation?
Grandpa: Time for my nap, I rest my case!

Little boy to a departing relative... "There's no hurry, Auntie. Daddy put the clock a whole hour ahead."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked. For the past several weeks I've met several great women. All of them funny and charming, everything a man could ask for."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."