Best Jokes

I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company; I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't put things away because...
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

I don't stress much on anything because...
"Type A" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become an ol' woman!

A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to airman's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank. Reaching the head of the line, he said to the teller, "I wanna open a damn checking account."

"Certainly, sir," answered the teller, "but there's no need to use that kind of language."

"Could you move it along man? I just wanna open a damn checking account," growled the would-be customer.

"I'll be glad to be of service, sir," said the teller, flushing slightly, "but I would appreciate not being spoken to in that way."

"What the hell? Just let me open a damn checking account, okay?"

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to speak to the branch manager," said the annoyed teller, slipping off his stool and returning shortly with a woman who asked how she could be of service.

"Hell, I just won the TEN MILLION DOLLAR lottery," snarled the man, "and all I wanna do is open a damn checking account."

"I see," said the manager sympathetically. "And this MORON is giving you trouble?"