I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
But she left me before we met.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?"
Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.
He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped, "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"
Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man that launched a successful stone quarry business?
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme all along.