Best Jokes

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three males ministers siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder. "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

"Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!"

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"

"Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him: "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, ”If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.

"Nope. Still salty."

30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty."

One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

Agent (to writer): I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Writer: First tell me the good news.

Agent: Paramount Pictures just loved your script, absolutely ate it up.

Writer: That’s fantastic! And the bad news?

Agent: Paramount Pictures is the name of my dog.