When I was eight my Dad was taking me to see a movie. On the way there I asked him if he would buy me some gum. He said, "No, you don't need any."
After arriving at the theater and taking ours seats, Dad changed his mind. He told me it would be okay for me to have some gum and he was going to get it.
I spoke up and said, "You don't need to buy me gum anymore, Daddy. I found some under the seat."
Harry was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. Since his own car was off the road being serviced.
“Sure,” said Carmine, “I’ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside.”
As they’re driving along, Harry says, “Carmine, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?”
“That’s my digital clock.”
A few minutes later, Harry asks, “And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?”
“That’s my tachometer,” says Carmine.
Then a few minutes after that, Harry starts to ask, “But what’s that….”
“Hold on a minute, Harry,” says Carmine, “I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.”
“Never in the front seat.” says Harry.
Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?"
The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"Sounds like you should be grateful..."
"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
Now the friend was really confused. "Then, why are you so sad?"
"This week... nothing!