A guy was gazing at the stars through his binoculars when his wife came out in a new dress. She asked if it made her hips look smaller. He paused for a second, turned his binoculars around, and then looked at her. "I’ve got some good news honey, you’ve never looked better."
Two best friends were having lunch together. One was trim and the other was rather rotund. The trim friend ordered a salad, his friend ordered a Ruben sandwich with large fries and a milkshake.
The trim one said, "You don't have to eat every speck off your plate; being overweight can put you in an early grave."
His friend replied, "You know I don't like wasting anything. When it's my time to go I plan on filling the box."
One day an extremely nervous dental patient came for a root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient's tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.
When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment, "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.
Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."