I quit my job at the helium gas factory...
I didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.
I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean.
"Jamaica?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "she went of her own accord."
I live across the street from a crematorium.
What I want to know is, why do they have a delivery truck drop off marshmallows every morning?
Boss: Why should I hire you as my business consultant?
Applicant: I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time.
Boss: I work here full-time
Applicant: Sorry. I'll try to speak slower.