Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."
“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger.
"What's wrong, Shelly?" asks her roommate.
"Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?"
"How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.