marriage jokes

I can always tell when my wife goes on a diet...

I find Hostess Twinkies in her underwear drawer.

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed away. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart, and I got a heart attack.

PABLO: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw me in darkness, He created light. He saw me without problems, He created YOU.

WIFE: Twinkle, twinkle little star, You should know what you are. And once you know what you are, the mental hospital is not so far.

PABLO: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn’t it rain on you?

WIFE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO. Don’t feel so angry, you will find me there too, not in cage but laughing at YOU!

I notice a lot of people at funerals will say something like, "It's a shame his life had to end so early."

So, I started saying the same thing at weddings.

My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later both of them were at my front door ringing the bell. They rang the bell for an hour straight. Reluctantly I answered the door.

They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened. Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.