marriage jokes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have...

The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

My wife has been stressing the importance of punctuality to me recently. I made a point of picking her up early at the bridge club for the first time today.

You should have seen the shocked looks of the faces of the ladies when they found out I’m alive. Apparently my wife has been referring to me as her late husband.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?

His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."

"Twice a week, you say?"

"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."